Now that you have identified what your boundaries are https://drjanetfienemann.com/boundaries/) and are learning to identify your feelings and needs, its time to start speaking up

  • Notice what you’re feeling. When you are feeling resentful or overwhelmed or stressed, ask yourself what are you feeling underneath?  Taken for granted?  Alone?
  • Ask yourself how YOU have contributed to this feeling.  If you feel taken for granted, what did you do or not do that is contributing that problem and what could you do differently to have a different outcome?

How did I contribute??

  • You didn’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings or put them out
  • You didn’t want to be a burden
  • You didn’t want to be mean
  • You didn’t even realize what you wanted or felt until too late
  • You didn’t want to as for help

In order to have a healthy relationship, both parties need to know what they feel and what they want and have the courage to speak up and ask for what they want or say what they don’t.

It seems “nice” to not speak up.  But imagine if the roles were reversed.  Would you want someone being with you or doing something for you who was secretly resenting you and just being “nice”?

  1. Be HONEST instead of NICE.
  2. Remember that other people are much stronger than we think and will be just fine if we disagree or say no.
  3. It is ok for others to be mad or disappointed.

If that is hard to tolerate, try an “Even Though” statement https://drjanetfienemann.com/manage-your-negative-self-talk-emotional-overwhelm-with-one-tool/

               Even though they are mad at me, I love and approve of myself”

  1. It is not ok for someone to be hurtful to us if they are mad or disappointed
  2. If someone is hurtful it is ok to leave or tell them to stop. Try an I message:

When you… yell at me

                I feel… scared and hurt

                Please… lower your voice

  1. If someone continues to take advantage of you, it is ok to follow through on a consequence.

Dr Janet Fienemann, Coach and Psychotherapist, helps women become clear, confident, resilient and empowered, and create healthy relationships and inspired lives.  She practices online all over the world and in her Jacksonville Beach, Fl office. https://drjanetfienemann.com